#6: Don’t –

December 28, 2008

Pack the bourbon on the trailer if you’re not actually heading off camping until the next morning.

 Cos unpacking to find it again is a bitch.



#1: Do –

December 23, 2008


Stalk people.


Your commitment might just impress enough to get you that job.

Or date.


Or, OK, there’s a chance it might also get you a jail sentence.


It’s a fine-line with these things.


It’s not, like, an exact science or anything.


#5: Don’t –

December 18, 2008

Sneak the small Santa-shaped chocolates left unguarded on the kitchen bench.

Because they might be meant for your five-year-old daughter’s Xmas gift to her class mates. And then she won’t have enough for all her little friends. And then she’ll cry. And then you’ll feel stink. And then, well, let’s face it – you ain’t exactly winning any parenting awards this year, either, are ya?

#3: Don’t –

December 11, 2008

Try to hand-feed your friend a lolly while he’s driving.

Now you might think you’re just trying to be helpful and thoughtful and nice, what with him having two hands on the wheel and both eyes on the highway and not being able to easily feed himself, and all.

But that homophobic fucker might just unexpectedly FREAKOUT at such a good-intentioned attempt, and swear and shout and slap your hand away … and accidentally swerve the car into the path of oncoming traffic.

Which is never a good thing.

#2: Don’t –

December 9, 2008

Enter into a dispute over the sale of a fake Zippo lighter with someone who also happens to sell imitation samurai swords in their overpriced junkshop. Especially if they’re a psycho. And Thai. And a Thai Kickboxer.
And especially if you’re the sort of person who drops into a crouching tiger stance and yells “bring it on, muthafucka!” the second some psycho shopkeeper pulls a sword on them.

Because even if you don’t somehow get stabby-stabbed and your arms don’t get hacked off … because… let’s say a bunch of neighbouring shopkeepers intervene and wrestle the sword off of the guy and slap him around a bit… or something … you’re still going to feel pretty stink when you remember that your partner was standing next to you and she’s bawling her eyes out and completely freaked out by the whole experience.

I mean, I don’t know what the probability of such a thing happening is, but, you know, it could happen.

So, yeah. You’ve been warned.

#1: Don’t –

December 8, 2008

Wind-up dead & buried beneath floorboards.


 This happened to someone I once knew.


Well, I obviously didn’t know them that well, because I wrote the front page story announcing the grisly discovery of their gristly remains and didn’t realize I knew them until my wife called after reading the newspaper the next morning to say OhMyGodDoYouKnowWhoTheFuckThatIs?!!


The mugshot that went with the story should have helped, I guess.


But anyway. This happened to someone I knew.


Don’t let it happen to you.


Some simple tips that might help:


  • Remember, there’s no such thing as a Free Lunch. This is ESPECIALLY true if the offer is being made by a conman/robber/murderer, posing as a tour guide, in India.


  • Never-ever-ever answer a Flatmate Wanted advert that has been placed by a psycho-killer. (Give-aways include neighbours who say he seems to be “such a nice, young man (very quiet though)”; an axe/knife/sword/hammer/gardening spade collection; and/or a funky smell emanating from the crawl-space.


  • If you borrow money from gangsters, do not go with them for a “progress payment  meeting” if protective sheets of plastic have been laid down over top of the carpet. 


You have been warned.