#16: Do –

December 8, 2010

Watch what you wish for.

Because you might just get it. Especially if you go around writing songs that start with the words “shoot” and “me”.

I’m just saying.


#15: Do –

August 25, 2010

BE AN OPINIONIST.

It’s OK. There’s no shame.
Because, let’s face it: not all opinions are created equal.

That’s the problem with democracy. Every dick has a say. And not everyone deserves one.

And that’s the same general problem with the likes of journalism. Monkeys with keyboards think they’re nicely balancing a story by giving an opposing point of view. Some crazy talking head. But some thoughts weigh less than others. And some have been over at the Shakespeare’s Tavern since lunchtime. So why give them equal space in your dying pages?

Things will be different when I’m in charge.
And sober.


#14: Do –

August 14, 2010

Be content with your place in life.

Especially if you happen to find that your place is suddenly behind that of that fit hot young blonde cycle chick from work who has somehow just managed to pass your ass while riding home.

Sure, you could go all macho and pass her right back, cos we can’t just lose to a chick like that time your little brother came second in a national building competition, getting beat by a girl of all people!
You could.

Or you could just sit back and relax and realize that there’s worse places in life to be than behind a nice Lycra-clad behind.

Mmmmm, sweet objectification.


#13: Do –

February 18, 2010

Turn that frown upside down.

My baby boy has just started giggling.

It seems so long since my own life was all about shits and giggles…


#10: Do –

October 2, 2009

Watch what you wish for.

Especially if you’re wishing for a little more excitement. You know, drama.

Cos then you’ll try and go away on holiday with your kids and 36-week-pregnant wife and then your car will break down on the way down to the beach, and then you’ll wind up effectively stranded in a caravan at the beach with no car while your wife has a couple of nights of false contractions … and the weather will be shit … and then you were meant to get the car back, but the courier… the fucking courier, who was bringing the new part… lost it, so they had to order a new part… and then you get an urgent call from your brother-in-law telling you to head for the hills because your freaked-out father-in-law had called him from Germany and told him to tell you that a “huge” tidal wave was headed for the very beach you’re at.
And, remember, you have no car. And your heavily-pregnant wife waddles very slowly, especially if it involves going uphill. And fuck, all you want to do is finish your bacon and eggs, drama bedamned!

Bedamned, I tells ya!


#9: Do –

August 21, 2009

Learn from other cultures.

The Chinese homestay kid has just left after staying in our home for six weeks.

I think I now see the sense in why they always leave their shoes at the front door, because I’ve just been outside playing around and then walked inside with my shoes on and now there’s muddy footprints from front door to garage door and the wife is really going to have a hell of a job cleaning that up. Seriously.


#8: Do –

July 16, 2009

Pay attention.

I spied an opened packet of crisps in the pantry tonight and thought Sweet, I Could Really Go An Old Skool Chip Sandwhich Right Now, so I got the bread out of the freezer and went to put it in the microwave to defrost it, but I actually ended up putting it in the toaster and by time I realized I had put it in the toaster and not the microwave, well, I had toast. And you don’t put crisps on toast. So I had to have toast and jam instead. Which wasn’t what I wanted at all. And by time I had finished the toast, I was full. A full fool.

Also, do you ever find yourself saying to yourself “Seriously– why The Fuck did I just put a teasoon of coffee in the jam jar?!”?

Or words to that effect…